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ME Questions, Questions... 4

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Shepard's at it again…

Who would you most like to imprison on this ship?


 

Joker: You didn't turn on the intercom while I wasn't looking, did you?

No, Joker.

[checks anyway] Huh. Okay. Another one of your crazy question times, I guess? [sighs] So what do you mean by imprison, exactly? Drag into a cell, lock 'em in, throw away the key?

More or less. Maybe just for a day, though. For fun.

'For fun.' [snorts] Yeah right . . . [thinks] Udina. Asshole.

On this ship, Joker . . .

Oh hell no. I'm keeping quiet there, ma'am. You never know who's listening. [mouths "Jack."]


 

Kaidan: [Narrows his eyes, glances up and to the left, and then looks at the Commander with a puzzled expression.]I'm sorry, ma'am, but I don't think that I understand the question here . . .

It's simple: imagine we have a cell block here, on the Normandy – who would you like to put there?

Uh . . . Commander, I'm not sure I should answer that. [chuckles uncomfortably] I don't think that would be the best idea. Do you have another question that won't get me in trouble?

Kaidan, you're such a downer. Please answer my question? [smiles innocently]

[sigh] Fine, fine . . . I think I like the marshmallow question better. If I had to pick, it would be Thane.

[Surprised] Why is that, Kaidan?

So, this guy claims to be the best assassin there is, and he has his usual: [mockingly] 'There are no less than 15 ways out.' Okay, so let's put than to the test. Uh. Ma'am.

[muses] That's interesting. I actually like it. Good idea!

I have a feeling this will come and bite me in the butt later.

Do you, now?


 

Ashley: Oh, good one. I'm tempted to say Liara, just to watch her freak out, but I don't think she'd be able to handle it. We might be able to pass it off as one of those freak human things we do, but somehow I'm not so sure.

Anybody else?

I'd go with Engineer Adams. It'd be cool to see Tali giving all of his subordinates the orders.


 

Garrus: [sigh] You know, Shepard – after the Collectors I swore to myself never doubt your judgment… [Sits on the large shell case leaning the wall.] I'm hoping this is another question you're asking for the hell of it. If you have any concerns, you'd lay them on me, right?

Don't worry, Garrus. This is a completely hypothetical question.

Ah, I see, then . . . here we go again?

[chuckles] Here we go again.

[thoughtfully] I'd put Zaeed in there.

[startled laugh] Why is that?

[slyly] I remember he said he'd claw his way out if he had to. Well, I want to hold him to that.

You are a very bad turian, Vakarian! [Shakes head]

Hey, you asked!


 

Wrex: Alenko.

That was quick. Is he annoying?

No. If he were annoying, he would be dead. No, I would put him in a cell just so I can relax when we're out on a mission.

He doesn't help you relax?

The incessant battlefield flirting between the two of you makes me want to point my shotgun at him and pull the trigger. It doesn't help that you always bring both of us out at the same time. It would be nice to see some variety on the field.

I'll definitely keep that in mind . . . you say we flirt with each other on the battlefield?

I refuse to get any deeper into this conversation. Shepard.

[chuckles] Wrex.


 

Tali: [pauses, body gets tense] Do we have an issue, Commander?[activates combat drone] Chiktikka, standby.

Hey, hey, Tali! [Takes her by forearms] Calm down, there is no mutiny! [Sighs] Damn, I think I picked the wrong question this time…

Oh, I see. Wow, I'm embarrassed now. [disables Chiktikka] Shepard, you should warn me you want to ask another one of your special questions before scaring steam out of my suit! What type of answer are you looking for? Who I would want to put in a jail cell?

Yes, except for the geth please!

[leans on the wall, then tilts head mischievously.] Garrus.

[shocked] What? Why?

[with a chuckle] That skinny, spiky plucked bosh'tet called me a bucket-head!

[bursts out laughing]Oh, Garrus. I'm sorry, Tali , but he did hit on the target with that one.

[taken aback] Why you! [activates omni-tool] Get the Commander, Chiktikka, get her!


 

Liara: Oh, I don't think I could do that, Commander. What purpose would it serve, if only to anger our comrades?

It's a human thing. Practical jokes. Pranking.

A prank? I am familiar with those. Sometimes they go a bit too far in my taste. Asari are fond of them as well, though I would not take it so far as to lock somebody up in a cell. Especially if I wish them to watch my back in the future.

No, no, I wouldn't be locking them up. I'm just asking you a hypothetical question to pass the time.

Oh, well . . . I don't know, Shepard. I really don't think I can answer that.

You don't have a mean bone in your body, do you?

Um . . . Is this another hypothetical question?

[chuckle] You're alright, Liara.


 

Jacob: Uh, the Normandy isn't equipped with cell blocks, Commander . . . I might be able to call in a few favors once we go in for upgrades, but . . .

No, no . . . [sighs] Everybody is always so tense when I ask this question. This is just for fun.

I'm not very good at this, Commander, you know . . . If you need some muscle I'm your man, but for the fun go see that glass-boned dweeb in the cockpit . . .

[Joker] Hey, I heard that, asshole. If you ask me, Commander, a long time-out in the hospitable two-by-two meter room will give this chocolate bunny plenty of time to pump some brain-juice where his mouth is.

[laughs] Think you're a smart ass, do you? Face it, Joker, the only thing protecting your brains from freezing off is your stupid cap!

[mockingly offended] Don't screw with the cap, man. You just don't screw with the cap. Or the guy who can lock you in this room until you start crying for mommy.

[chuckle] I think I'll let the two of you settle this . . . And Joker, just remember that we'll probably need him in the future, so don't screw with the oxygen or grav levels.


 

Miranda: Commander, with all due respect, why? What is the purpose?

Laughter at the expense of our comrades.

[thinks] Put Gabby and Ken in one, from Engineering . . . They need to realize that they're a couple sooner or later.

That's unexpectedly nice, Miranda.

After defeating the Collectors and rescuing the crew . . . things just kind of fell into place. Family. I know it must seem weird for me to talk like that, I suppose, but they could be so much together. It would be a shame if they let the opportunity slide.


 

Mordin: Hmm. Facial expression and external signs show that you're asking mostly in jest than in seriousness. [sniff] Good. Generally, count imprisonment without probable cause as pointless myself. Prefer to deal with hostiles on sight. Decreases the strain on supplies. Won't school you on immobilizing opponents, however. Also, do not have any cause to imprison anybody on this ship. But can forward you information on best subduing the various crew members aboard, tailored to their specific needs, of course.

No, thank you, Mordin. [sigh] Honestly, do you ever think about anything in a way that isn't a little creepy?

Of course! [sniff] I like singing while studying the cells – a high-frequency sound wave has a good effect on their reproduction capabilities.

[sigh] You are a valuable member of this team, Mordin. But sometimes, you can be a little bit scary.

Would not have brought me aboard otherwise, Commander. [smiles]


 

Zaeed: Shepard, I'd love to stick you in there whenever you get into this type of mood.

So you won't answer.

Look; according to the Shadow Broker, I suffer from a lack of interpersonal skills. [cleans Jessie lovingly with a used rag] Shame, really. But he was right, and it led to the crew leading a coup and me getting shot in the goddamn head. So no, I won't comment on who I'd like to stick in the shithouse, Commander.


 

Kasumi: [mockingly offended] Hey, is that a hint?

No, Kasumi. It's just a question.

So says Miss 'I-can-kill-people-'cos-I'm-above-the-law.'

Relax, Goto. We're just having fun. Hypothetically, who would you lock up for a day or so? Just for fun, with no consequences?

[chuckles] Oh, okay. If we're talking in hypothetical terms . . . Hypothetically, I wouldn't mind putting myself in a cell for a while, with some company, if you know what I mean. [sly wink] I prefer the black color.

Are you talking about what I think you're talking about? Kasumi!

What? Word on the street is that every male crew member here is following your footsteps like a couple of lost puppies. If you're not going to take up their offers, well . . . Keiji would want me to be happy. Tell you what: if you follow through, I would hypothetically design the system myself. It would be impenetrable.

[shakes head and chuckles] You always squeeze everything out of any situation, Miss Goto.

Let's just say you do me that favor, I'll draw a mustache on the Collector General's face.


 

Grunt: Wait. Is this going to happen? [growing smile – or more of a baring of teeth in anticipation?]

No, Grunt. This is just another question.

I want the cook in there. He can't make any edible food, anyway.

So who will cook? You?

I wouldn't cook my food. Shepard.

Grunt.


 

Jack: I'd lock the snotty cheerleader in there. That'll give her something to cry home about. [snickers]

You realize this is a hypothetical question, right?

Look at it this way, Shepard – I've been running through various scenarios like that for a while now. Imagine her, sitting in some cell somewhere while I sit at her desk and rip her fucking data off of her computer. [laughs]

I suppose I should be glad that hasn't happened, yet.

You should be glad you still have a ship, Commander.


 

Thane: That is an interesting question, si'ha. Should I be worried?

No, Thane. I'm just curious.

Ah. I believe I must refrain from answering that question. You never know what eyes are watching.

Do you mean the Illusive Man?

No. The pilot who believes he can use my answers to lever concessions out of me at a later date.

[Joker] Oh, come on! I never have any fun.

Get a girlfriend, Moreau!


 

Samara: In all my years I have rarely sentenced people to prison: when it comes to a Justicar to interfere, than every means possible have already been used… I'm not used to any detention procedures, which means I can hardly be of assistance here, Shepard…

You always kill people?

Only when they resist my judgment.

[shakes head] And how often do they?

Always.

Fine… I know I'll probably regret asking that, but could you then tell me who of the crew you'd judge the usual way?

[sadly] I would sentence Jack to death. What she has done to others, to herself, is inexcusable. I would be honor-bound to kill her.


 

Legion: We would imprison any which pose a critical error to the effectiveness of the crew.

What do you classify as a 'critical error?'

Anything that would jeopardize the security of the mission and of the crew that is not within logical parameters.

Would you imprison me?

[pauses] We would trust you, Shepard-Commander. We have consensus that you know what you are doing due to the amount of experience you possess from fighting the Old Machines.

This was co-authored with my good friend, :icondowmodder: ! I took odds, he took evens! :D It was very enjoyable working with him, and he certainly can get character down. We make a pretty good team, if I do say so myself. ;)
© 2011 - 2024 celestial-insanity
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tankbuster626's avatar
wait  nevermind...